Reader Mike brought this to my attention:
Of course it makes a T-Rex. We’re God’s favorite creation so he likes to hide our images all over the place. I’ve heard there is a crater shaped like a T-Rex on the Moon, and did you also know that if you take the rest of the land masses on the globe and arrange them JUST SO, they will form the body of T-Rex with a squirming caveman in its arms?
I totally didn’t just make that up.
Rawr.
Here it is! Your first look at my 2009 Halloween costume, painstakingly made to replicate in exact detail what Blor’s kid Blor used to wear.
Note the fine fabric. Note my enormous biceps and strong jaw. Note my festive Halloween background. Note the club in my hand that I will use to knock into next Halloween the first person that mutters ANYTHING about a skirt.
Rawr.
Having lived on this Earth for over 65 million years I have seen a lot of Halloweens and that means I have seen Halloween gradually transform from a holiday full of scary costumes, into a holiday that merely encourages young human women to dress as provocatively as possible as anything from a sexy maid to a sexy honey bee. I’m not even making that up. Who is the genius that first looked at a honey bee and said, “Wow. Hot!” Or, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
It’s stupid. Halloween is for scaring people so I say we get back to that. Forget the silly sexy police costume or the sexy cow costume (I have no idea if that even exists, but I bet you $87 million it does), and let’s get back to being terrifying.
And what’s more terrifying than a dinosaur? Nothing.
Except these horrible costumes. Don’t wear ANY of these:
1. Adult Barney, because you look dumb and because I’ll probably flay you if I see you in it. I can’t control my killer instinct when I see that stupid green belly.
2. Don’t wear this one because it apparently will make you dance like the last drunk, single guy on the dance floor of a winding-down wedding reception.
No one needs to see that.
3. Don’t wear this one unless you want to look like a Jackal dressed as a dinosaur heading to a Furry convention.
That should be illegal.
4. Don’t wear these ones because we’ve already talked about how we dinosaurs don’t believe in being saddled up by humans unless we have an express written agreement that we’re allowed to eat the human at the end of the ride.
Although I gotta say, riding a Pterodactyl sounds like an awesome good time.
5. Finally, whatever you do, DON’T WEAR THIS ONE! Because as you can see, Norm plans to wear it:
If that isn’t just the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
Well, I’m going to go work on my costume for a bit and I’m going to do it being thankful that there is no such thing as a sexy dinosaur costume.
Rawr.
I’m so excited for Halloween this year, so I’ve put my incredible art skills to work at some concept art for possible Halloween costumes. As of this writing, AIP has insisted that I can not be Dead Barney for Halloween so I’ve come up with these other possibilities.
First, I was thinking of being Buzz Lightyear and making Norm go as Sheriff Woody, since he’s already got the hat and the gun and the trigger finger and the whiny voice:
You’ll notice Jake has zoomed off in a space ship to fight evil Emperor Zurg and his galactic forces. Godspeed, Jake. Bring me back Little Bo Peep’s sheep. In a handy carry-out container with hot sauce, if at all possible.
My other idea was to dress as Indian chief Giant Scary Teeth, and have Norm be a lowly Indian servant forced to do my bidding.
Note I threw in some snacks in this picture, also known as buffaloes. This is fabulous, I like it a lot, and the first reader to comment ANYTHING about “Stegosaurus” will be [redacted by Norm].
Did Norm just redact that? No matter. Use your imagination. Then add pointy teeth.
Rawr.
1. Jake and I are currently trying to figure out what to be for Halloween. I’m torn between Dead Barney and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.
Dead Barney is awesome because, well, it’s dead Barney. But if I go as Sheldon, I get to wear awesomely cool nerdy shirts which of course means more babes. But if I go as Dead Barney, I will make Norm upset at the inappropriateness of the costume, and you know how much I love to make Norm angry.
Decisions, decisions.
2. Jake said he wants to be a Cleveland Brown for Halloween. He says his costume will consist of 12 footballs suspended from his waist with string. You know, for all those passes they drop. I support this costume idea.
3. Check it:
And the picture is this:
I approve of this shirt and if you buy it for your human child, I won’t have a problem with it at all.
If however you buy THIS shirt:
I will use these supposedly puny little arms to [redacted by Norm] you.
4. An email from an adoring fan:
Hi Rex,
We were in Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago for Podcamp Pittsburgh and had a great time. When we got back to Texas, we found one of your cousins. He said his name was Tia Juana Saurus Mex, he said he was a distant cousin, twice removed. He wanted us to send you a picture so here it is.
Cheers,
Rafael Marquez
Hmmm. I don’t recognize this dinosaur at all. And he’s awfully tiny for a dinosaur. And I don’t know why, but I have the strongest desire to beat him with a stick until he pukes candy.
Which is surprising because I’m not normally a violent dino.
What?
Rawr.
Just wanted to share with you a postcard I just received from New York City from Dollar Bank’s Leo and Leonis:
Here’s the front:
I don’t know who that babe is, but she is exactly the kind of girl Leo and Leonis would be into. Awesome.
Here’s the back:
Oooh. I LOVE Alex the Lion. I hope they bring me back his autograph. Or at the very least his hindquarter slathered in sauce.
Rawr.
Yesterday, a student with the AIP Student Development committee came up to me and said, “Rex, you are awesome and handsome and fearsome and I wish I was just like you.”
Again, I’m paraphrasing just a bit.
Then he said, “Why don’t you come down to the student lounge tonight for a little Bingo? It’s going to be great fun.”
And I was like, “Bingo?! You’re having Bingo for me? Bingo? Actual Bingo?”
And he looked confused and was like, “Yes. Bingo! For you, too. Come and join us.”
And I looked very confused and said, “Wait. The humans like Bingo, too?!”
And he was like, “Yes! Who doesn’t like Bingo?! See you tonight.”
So last night I excitedly hurried to the student lounge to find all of the students gathered around tables, waiting for Bingo, I assume:
I was so excited about Bingo that I couldn’t wait another minute so I started flipping over tables in my hunt, roaring, “Where is BINGO?!”
And like all these stupid little plastic balls start flying all over the place, clattering all over the floor and the students in their haste to run at me and yell at me for no reason, began slipping, quite comically I might add, on the balls and well, just chaos.
After it was all over, I learned two valuable things last night:
1. Bingo is a game.
2. Bingo is not a farmer’s delicious dog.
Maybe next time the Student Development people should be a little more specific.
Rawr.
This weekend, AIP hosted PodCamp Pittsburgh 4 and when Norm told me about it for the first time a few weeks ago, I was like, “So, what, you guys gather around and talk about pods or camps or …?”
Then Norm told me it was a conference for bloggers, podcasters (no clue), and other such social media (no clue) type things, and I was like, “So, nerds, then?”
And then when I woke up from the completely unwarranted tranquing, I decided to check out this “PodCamp Pittsburgh 4″ for myself. I registered and everything.
The first thing that greeted me at PodCamp was some guy manning the registration table and his name was Chachi. He really had a bad attitude with me, saying, “Yeah, if we knew you were a dinosaur, we wouldn’t have let you register. You’ll take up too much space, you’ll eat too much food, and besides, what does a dinosaur know about social media or blogging?”
I calmly explained to this Chachi person that 1. I have a blog and it’s the best blog in the world and 2. Joanie called and wants to know when he’s coming home for dinner.
Chachi eventually obliged and handed me my name tag, which, LOOK!
Do you see that? Rock. Star. It’s just a fact.
And do you also see they put my twitter name on there? My twitter account that Norm still won’t let me use for fear I’ll just post true facts about him like the fact that he always [redacted by Norm] before he [redacted by Norm] even if it [redacted by Norm].
After telling Chachi I would deal with his scrawny butt later, I headed up to the fourth floor to check out the sessions and the snacks and the cute nerd babes. I learned so much! I learned how to find ways to post every single day (which I’m working on getting better at). I learned how to be sure my online identity is a proper reflection of who I really am (and until Norm lets me show you how I can eat a flock of sheep, you’ll never really KNOW Creation Rex). I learned not to tweet my poop (trust me, if I ever tweeted a picture of MY poop, I would break the Internet), and I learned about how to take better videos, during which, Chachi, who was in the session, whispered to me, “First, you’d need to get yourself some longer arms to hold the camera with.”
That guy.
After two days of instruction, I had made lots of new friends who now love to hang out with me.
BABES! And yeah, there’s some guys there, too, but most importantly, BABES!
They even gave me a shirt to wear, see:
Stunning.
And then Chachi got brave and decided to try to steal my name tag and, well:
Totally worth the six tranq darts to my butt.
Rawr.
Mixed in with the adoring fan mail I receive, are letters that I feel deserve a public response, as opposed to the normally private responses I send stating, “You’re cute. Call me. Don’t tell Sally. Bring Carcass. Rawr. Rex.”
1. Reader Sean wanted to know what I, the King of Steeler Nation, predicted for this year’s Steelers. Here are my responses:
That was easy. You’re welcome, Sean.
2. This is from reader Paul:
With you being the biggest and most ferocious Pittsburgh sports fan out there I was hoping that there is some way in which you can help out the Pittsburgh Pirates. First I thought you could give them a pep talk on how the city wants to see the Pirates succeed. Afterall look at how we have embraced the Steelers and Penguins, don’t they want to have a parade with several hundred thousand human fans and one awesome dinosaur? If that won’t work you can scare them into being being better with a ferocious RAWR and your intimidating demeanor. Maybe you can send in Jake to practice his intimidation skills, also to Norm to tranq the upper management staff into doing everything in their power to get a better team. I just want to see the Pirates do better just as much as you like eating octopus for an appetizer.
Aw. How cute. He wants to see the Pirates do better. First, tranquing upper management won’t do anything but make them even more dead to winning than they already are. What they need actually is a kick in the pants and by pants I mean bum and by bum I mean wallets. But you’re in luck, Paul! They lost 99 games this season. It’s not like they can do much worse. HAHAHAH! That’s a joke. They can totally do much worse.
3. And finally, this from hot babe Shannon:
Rex, just wondering if you ever gave Jesus a lift?
To be honest, once when he was a kid I did let him go for a ride, but only because his asteroid-hurling Dad scares the poop out of me, so I pretty much had no choice. I did it for the survival of my species.
You’re welcome, species!
Rawr.
Could you imagine if I actually tried to list all of the things that I know about that you don’t know anything about? There aren’t enough terabytes on the planet.
For now though, you first of all don’t know anything about any dinosaur trying to sneak into the Mellon Arena for the first Penguins home game of the season. The very Mellon Arena I was banned for life from because I did a harmless little thing like steal the Stanley Cup for a few hours.
Here’s the picture than ran in the newspaper next to the headline “Dinosaur spotted lurking in secure area of Mellon Arena. AIP denies it is Rex.”
Good ole’ AIP. Deny deny deny.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get into the building to watch the game live because those sneaky humans locked the roof, making it ridiculously hard for me to pry it open to peek in. No matter, I watched the game on the outside screen with my adoring fans who liked to jokingly shout, “You! Dinosaur! Either shrink 20 feet or move to the back! Idiot!”
It’s cute how they jokingly call me “idiot.” Much in the same way that it’s cute when I respond with [redacted by Norm].
The second thing you don’t know anything about is this cigar that Leo and Leonis sent me from Cuba where they’re enjoying a little beach adventure.
Did I say Cuba? They’re not in Cuba, Dollar Bank. They’re somewhere where it is perfectly legal to purchase cigars from. Um, Indiana.
That’s a place right?
Also, bets on how long I can actually smoke this cigar before Norm marches out here and puts it out with the fire hose? I’ll put $40,000 on ten seconds.
Rawr.
