Okay, so listen. Norm is off today and he has left me with specific anti-destruction instructions that go something like this: “Don’t destroy anything in my absence or we will melt you down.”

Problem, SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!

Are you kidding me?

This explains why the Pens lost and lost so miserably. Someone took the octopus and gave the Red Wings their mojo back.

Here are the people I’m currently stalking, believing they may have taken it:

1. “Dr.” Matt Lamanna. This might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to give him the stretchy treatment. That’s when I grab your legs in one hand, your arms in the other and, well, you get the picture.

2. Whoever took my running shoes.

3. Scott Mervis. I will destroy him.

4. Barney. He just LOOKS like he would support a team that had a purple mascot. This also might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to [redacted by Norm's boss].

5.  Marian Hossa. I WILL DESTROY HIM!

So, I’m going to be out and about for the remainder of the day trying to get to the bottom of this.

I need three volunteers:

• One to find me a new octopus, dead or alive.
• One to stand outside the Post-Gazette building and let me know if Scott Mervis shows the whites of his eyes.
• One to tranq me when it finally really truly hits me that SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

1.  It begins Saturday. Red Wings. Penguins. Rematch.

Let’s break it down with Math Time with Rex: Making you Mathier

1 2008 Red Wings team

+ 1 very despicable Marian Hossa

+ Bad Karma

- God

+ The Devil

<

1 2008 Penguins team

- 1 despicable Marian Hossa

+ 1 Bill Guerin

+ God

+ Good Karma

That’s right. This year, we’re the better team.

2.  I found another great picture of my hockey-playing days for you to enjoy.

I agree with you, orange really is a great color on me. Wow.

Note the blood stains on my teeth. It goes without saying that this was an exceptionally bad day for Blor’s kid Blor.

You’re going to high-stick a monstrous killer death lizard, you’re going to get up close and personal with the hangy thing in the back of my throat.

Yes, dinos have those, too.

You learned something today!

3.  This KIND of makes me feel bad about how much I hate the Red Wings:

God help me, but I kind of love Beth, too.

Don’t tell Sally!

She’s still mad about Gertie.

4.  When I first saw these cookies being sold at the Pretzel Shop in the South Side I thought to myself, Rex, clearly these people are huge fans of yours and so much so that they have baked cookies in your image.

But then I noticed the cookies were … purple.

And then I realized maybe these are … Barney cookies?

BARNEY COOKIES?! In PITTSBURGH?! WHERE I LIVE?!  WHERE I RULE?!?

I didn’t get a chance to “speak” to the owners because I blacked out.  I suspect Norm tranqed me, but I can’t be sure since when I came to he was nowhere to be found.

So listen, if you see Norm cowering somewhere in fear mumbling, “Just sit still. Stop shaking. He’ll never look here.” Don’t disturb him. Just tell me where he is and I’ll play hide and seek and eat with him.

He loves that game.

Rawr.

 

1.  What in the name of the lightning bolts of Zeus has gotten into Evgeni Malkin?

He is a man on a mission and that mission is to win the Stanley Cup and hopefully to give us more interviews like the one that he gave yesterday in which he basically said, “Mom. Love. Cook. Game. Goal. Dad. Shoot.”

Those were all the words I understood.  I tried to translate more but I don’t speak Hockey God.

And then there was Norm on twitter, as the game ended, once again showing off his death grip on the English language.

That’s poetry, Norm. Is that how you say “hat trick” in Hawaiian?

2.  How long do you think before Geno’s parents just start making out in the stands when he scores a goal?

3. I think I’ll watch the next home game at the big outdoor screen with the rest of the fans. Norm, I’m going to need you to get there early and block off a 15-foot by 15-foot space for me. Use velvet rope, please.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tag their shoulder with a Sharpie and I’ll maim them when I get there.

4.  Rexrolled you!

5.  Do not freak out, because I freaked out a little bit and broke some sidewalks (Sorry, Mayor Luke!  Send the bill to AIP to the attention of Paul Pezich).  Would you look at this computer mouse that transforms into a Monstrous Killer Death Lizard?

This is a very very okay product!

If he knows what’s good for him, Norm is getting me one of these for Christmas.  I’ll probably give him my usual gift … stress.

6.  A NOT Okay product?

A dinosaur pinata? NOT okay!

Hey, how about I shove some hard candies down your throat and then beat you with a pointy stick until you puke them back up?

7. Math time!  My new motto for this portion of the blog is “Math Time with Rex.  Making you mathier because you’re chromosomally inferior.”

I still love you, so help me help you.

2 regular weekend days +

1 holiday day -

1 dinosaur wrangler who is busy partying on Monday -

1 imminent threat of tranquing +

1 dinosaur with the knowledge of Matt Lamanna’s whereabouts =

No posting on Monday.

Rawr.

As you know, I like math, so let me give you some updates using math:

1. Penguins!

1 motivated Sidney Crosby +

1 really angry Sergei Gonchar -

1 Capitals goalie *

the fire of 1,000,000 suns =

dominance.

As you recall yesterday, I predicted dominance by the Penguins to the tune of 5-1.  6-2 is pretty close to 5-1.  I’d tell you how close, but that’s not my kind of math.  Pretty close.

I’m thinking about growing a playoff beard. I’ll keep you posted.

2.  Paint!

1 terribly talented monstrous killer death lizard+

2 perfectly useful arms +

1 canvas +

10 colors of paint -

1 color of purple because purple is Barney’s color and Barney is a [redacted by Norm] +

2 giant dino-sized brushes=

Masterpiece by Rex

My first effort will be posted soon.  I should warn you though, I’m pretty freaking awesome.

That elephant that paints is about to be pwned.

Oh, please. That video? Photoshop.

Rawr.

1.  Sorry that I didn’t post yesterday, but I was in mourning.

If this were twitter, that previous statement would have been hash-tagged with #STUPIDPENGUINS!

2.  Tonight, they win it in seven and they’ll do it with dominance. I’m saying 5-1.

Are you laughing at me?  We’ll see who’s laughing tonight when the next Evgeni Malkin interview goes something like, “Ah, yes, ah, love to mommy and daddy and we knowed good game and uh, we have the heart and the skating to uh, KICK THEIR STUPID BUTTS! WOO!”

Don’t let me down, Evgeni.

3.  So I was checking out AIP’s calendar and saw this was happening tonight:

05/13/2009

SPRINGTIME BOUNCE HOUSE

Springtime Bounce House and Rita’s Italian Ice from 5 to 9 p.m. in Shannon Hall

I have no idea what this is, but my goodness am I going! I can only assume they are going to have one of those giant inflatable bouncy things for us to jump in.  I hope I don’t pop this one like I destroyed the last one.  Stupid sharp pointy talons of death.

Or maybe they have a room with padded walls and a springy floor and we all get to bounce around like we’re in a mosh pit.  So many things this could be.   I’m going to find Norm and find out if I can bring Sally as my date and also to find out if they have enough Italian ice for a dinosaur.

4.  I have no clue as to what this man is doing to Barney, but please, by all means, continue.

5.  I’ve decided to take up painting during these warm summer months.  I’ll let you know how my first effort turns out as soon as Norm gets me that canvas and paints I asked for. This is an ART school, Norm. You’d think this kind of stuff would appear at the snap of a finger.

[snap]

[snap]

I’m waiting, Norm.

Also, if the Pens win tonight, try to stop yourself from just tweeting the whole alphabet at us. Use your words, Norm.

6. It is such a nice day out, I think I’ll go chase some students.

I’m kidding!

Watch your backs.

Rawr.

Yesterday, just before lunch time, I walked into the student lounge here at AIP looking for my running shoes.

Some [redacted by Norm] had Barney playing on the TV. I’m not making that up.

Barney.

Not “SUIT UP!” Barney.

I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family [gag] Barney.

The purple freak of joy.

The biggest, smelliest [redacted by Norm] of [redacted by Norm] that ever [redacted by Norm] who can [redacted by Norm] for all I care.

I’m beginning to think whoever stole my racing shoes is the same person that shoved the newspaper in my mouth and is the same person that tuned the TV to Barney. Someone is out to get me and I’m betting you a million dead pteryodactlys that his name starts with “Dr.” and ends with “Matt Lamanna.”

It’s on.

RAWR!